Friday, 15 August 2008

Focus

I'm not at all well at the moment and am in considerable pain. The prospect of surgery (again) terrifies me, so I am attempting to deal with the issue using other means, including magical work.

This is not working as I cannot focus. Its not the pain, I've worked through that before. Its the stress of what will happen if I have the surgery. The long convalescence, the time off work need to recover during harsh economic times resulting in termination of my employment, further debts, etc. Every time I try to focus in order to get to a state from which I can alter my situation, I last about a second before all the stresses reappear and my mind goes into freefall ending at panic.

This has led me to believe something is seriously wrong, not necessarily on a physical level, but somewhere deeper. Only, its Catch 22, because I cannot concentrate long enough to locate the problem, let alone the symptoms. I can see I have my work ahead of me over the weekend. It could not have come at a worse time, though. I have a lot to do before the year ends and very little time to myself to achieve my goals without the interference of old problems/illnesses.

That "Arse Doctrine" is seriously getting up my ... ahem ... arse these days.

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